“I’m the man! I’m the man! I’m so bad I should be in detention…”

by Katie Pizzuto on September 23, 2015

in beer,marketing

10448673_1586831088252778_5053664245718699599_oWhile unfortunately this blog has gone by way of the history books for the sake of my attention span being devoted to an upcoming line of Gonzo hot sauces (stay tuned), every once in a while something waltzes into my line of sight, lingers in my crosshairs and all but dares me to satisfy the itch on my trigger finger. It is at that point that I check the wind, hold my breath and let loose like a firing squad without the guilt-sparing mercy of blanks. I generally reserve my guilt for the things I haven’t written, not for what I have.

Despite having high levels of testosterone, a penchant for blue language and a deep-seeded love of football, I am, last time I checked, a woman. A beer-dork-in-the-nicest-way-possible sort of woman, but a woman nonetheless. And if you do your job right as a PR newbie, that demographic should perhaps—and I’m just putting this out there—be a red flag when you are shilling an upcoming product called a ManCan. “Just pick it up. Hold it in your hand. It’s rugged. It’s steel. It’s manly. It’s a can. It’s a ManCan!” Oh. Oh. The fun that can be had with that bit of marketing horseshit. “Just pick it up. Hold it in your hand. It’s rugged. It’s steel. It’s for chicks. It’s shaped like a stick. It’s a ChickStick!” (Otherwise known as a dildo. Please do not handle near water. May cause unexpected verbal outbursts and seizure-like motions. If dependency develops, seek medical help immediately…not.) Newsflash: I have cans…and they’re nicer than yours.

Had you asked me yesterday what ManCans were, I would have figured it was the latest slang for man boobs. But hey, I’m a little slow on modern lingo at this age. Apparently the up-and-coming ManCan is a stainless steel “keg-style vessel, built to be indestructible, hold CO2 pressure and protect beer from the damaging effects of light.” A glorified mini-me of a keg. The new generation of beer balls for all intents and purposes. But smaller, and more portable…like a dildo. The smaller one holds about a 6-pack and the larger one holds nearly double. It’s a decent idea with an idiotic name that chooses to alienate approximately 52% of its US market (yes, we outnumber the men as of right now). And at a time when craft beer is trending in a way that is busting ceilings, and women are becoming ever more a part of that trend, an idiotic name will cost you.

large_modal_image_uploads_2Fe66811a964eff674ef0fa1281247e99b_2FWOCanIf you’re hunting for the attention of the media and crowd sourcing for funding on kickstarter.com, your first thought should be money, not gender. If that becomes an afterthought, you know what that starts to look like? A fucking afterthought. Scene 2, enter the WoManCan. That would be when you partner with Pink Boots Society (a well-meaning organization created with the intention of helping women in the beer industry, which I can’t help but roll my eyes at as well—if you are good at what you do, you’ll succeed. Your vagina is not holding you back.). What you have to love most about the afterbirth called the WoManCan is the bastardized logo on it, that lets every woman know that she is, in fact, an afterbirth in this company’s eyes. Somewhere, in a damp, funk-riddled basement, there was a “marketing team” that had that oh-shit, slap-on-the-forehead moment, and being fully aware that they lacked both the funds and creativity to rethink their branding, decided to just add some pink script to their logo, call it a day, and go toss back a frothy one.

I’d love nothing more than to be test riding this puppy right now. I’d love nothing more than to be convincing all my friends to buy one. And I’d love nothing more than to whip it out with the pride of a braggart at my next party. In fact, that’s pretty much the bar I set for dildos as well. But there is no way in hell you will ever see this beer-loving WoMan within shooting range of one of these cans because…because…well, because they just don’t know how to hit the spot.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Tom Riley September 24, 2015

Bang! Spot on!

Wait…should I have a different reaction?

Great comment/rant/blog/essay/inyourface bit of writing.

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2 Katie Pizzuto September 24, 2015

Nope, that’s right on target, Tom. LOL.

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3 Amy Corron Power aka WineWonkette September 24, 2015

“…if you are good at what you do, you’ll succeed. Your vagina is not holding you back.” Damn, I wish I had written that. Awesome post!

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4 Katie Pizzuto September 24, 2015

Thanks, Amy. I know you, of all people, would agree.

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5 Coupe 60 September 24, 2015

This is like the cicada blog, every 17 years it rises up out of ground for a brief orgy of mating and letting the world you are still around…

When the heck are the long rumored Hot Sauces coming out?

Hope you have been well my friend

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6 Katie Pizzuto September 24, 2015

Hot sauces should be ready for sale in 1Q 2016 if I don’t derail and sail off to some remote island in a carved out tree trunk and decide to paint turtle shells the rest of my life.

Felt good to write again :)

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7 Coupe 60 September 24, 2015

“…if you are good at what you do, you’ll succeed. Your vagina is not holding you back.”

This is not true in the case of Matt Harvey and the NY Mets…

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8 Katie Pizzuto September 24, 2015

I wish I could reply intelligently but as aforementioned, I am a football fan. I am CLUELESS when it comes to baseball. Any game that has you get up and stretch after being a spectator (not a participant) for several hours is just too much time investment for me.

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9 Chuck September 28, 2015

WOW! I cant believe you came out of hiding to score another goal with some product reviews!
I think this is a pretty neat idea, but have to agree with you that the marketing sucked the big one on this!
I also believe more women should get into the every growing craft beer industries!
Whats that old saying, “those that control the vagina, control the world”!
Nice piece KPG, cant wait for the next!!

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10 Katie Pizzuto September 28, 2015

Yeah that’s exactly the problem….good idea, terrible execution. Bringing this to a brewery instead of a growler would be awesome. And it’ll hold CO2 a hell of a lot longer than glass with a cap. At the end of the day, I’m sure they’ll sell, but not as well as they could. Somewhere, months from now, there will no doubt be a guy asking his buddy to hold on to his ManCan for a minute while he goes to the can.

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