“Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right…”

by Katie Pizzuto on November 16, 2010

in chocolate

I have never been screwed quite so brazenly as I was screwed this past Sunday, and the fact that I stood for it doesn’t say much about my character…or my weakness for chocolate. The line wrapped an entire fucking city block. To be clear, it started on 18th Street, turned and went down 6th Avenue, and continued back down 19th Street. Hah, I thought. Those dolts didn’t bother to buy their tickets in advance online…look at them waiting, like cattle on the slaughtering line. Oh, but no. Life is an ironic, happiness-leaching bitch you see. “No, I’m sorry, there’s no special line for those that already have tickets.” What? Stand in line with the non-ticket-holding dolts? What the hell?! Apparently, the only thing that e-tickets will guarantee you (other than saving you two pathetic dollars a person) is that you are a completely pitiful asshole who must wait in line with everyone else if you want to elbow your way through baby carriages and muscle past the oblivious huddled masses for a miniscule piece of chocolate. Worse yet, you are less likely to blow off the damned thing because you’ve already spent the money online in an effort to be proactive, thus they’ve got you by those proverbial hairy balls, and the only placation they’ll offer you is a tiny sampling of chocolate truffles while you wait. I implore you, let me save you the trouble of the sadistic torture known as the New York Chocolate Show…

Imagine, if you will, a branding iron that’s been heated until it glows a stinging red. Then, imagine dipping that branding iron in a pile of fermenting cow dung. Afterward, you remove the molten, dung-coated iron and lift it high in the air to attract a swarm of killer bees. Then, just as that swarm buzzes with excitement around the hot, crusty iron, you stick it in your left eye. And for good measure, you remove it, repeat the process and aim for your right eye. This, in the end, is more pleasurable than the New York Chocolate Show. $28 dollars per person will get you an hour-and-a-half wait…on your feet…outside. It will also damn near assure that you will find yourself in a “pavilion” way too fucking small for its supposed capacity, sweating your ass off and doing your best not to come to blows with the ones that brought strollers. See that on the left? That’s me with Jacques Torres. Don’t know who he is? Look him the fuck up. See that just below it? That might as well be me, too. Both lovely and pathetic all at once.

Most companies had quality chocolates for sampling and for sale, but most of it bored me…about $20 out of $28 worth of boredom. Chocolate with chilies? Really? How adorable that you find that trendy when the fucking Aztecs were doing it in the 1400s. Interestingly enough, the ones that offered up their products in all sorts of glamorous martini glasses and spit-shined serving trays had absolutely no game on the ones like Mary’s chocolate-covered, green-tea-dusted puffed rice from Japan, presented ever so humbly in a white paper plate. Holy crap were those things good. Easily one of the best in show. Right up there with them was Pacari, my absolute favorite chocolatier there and again, interestingly enough, some of the least expensive stuff there. Pacari is a line of premium, single-origin, 100% organic chocolate made in Ecuador. Both their lemongrass and salt/nibs chocolate bars blew our minds, while other companies who claimed to make “salted chocolate” or “salted caramel with chocolate” left no trace of salt at all. Call it chocolate for the sodium-conscious asshole I guess.

Oh, and a parting thought to those who had the audacity to be selling their chocolates without offering a free sampling…and those that had the raw nerve to charge a dollar to dunk either a marshmallow or a tiny pretzel into a chocolate fountain…and those that had the god-damned balls to reprimand me (the hopefully paying customer) for trying to pluck a piece of chocolate from the serving tray of a glorified waitress wearing latex gloves (candy being served by eye candy)…to all of you that disrespect the consumer I say, stay the hell home. And to you, ever-faithful reader, I also say that when it comes to the New York Chocolate Show, stay the hell home.

{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Ryan Reichert November 16, 2010

Wow. This is, beautiful. It’s always awesome to read a post that’s just seething with rage. Man, I feel your pain. Sorry you had a poor experience. It’s all over now though. Breathe. 🙂

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2 Ed McCarthy November 16, 2010

As much as I love chocolate, I’d never put up with waiting on line for it, or for anything else, for an hour plus. I felt your anguish on your ridiculous wait. I’m sure you said to yourself, “Never again.”

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3 Katie Pizzuto November 17, 2010

Never again is right! They need serios logistical and strategical adjustments!

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4 joe November 17, 2010

brilliant. pretty sure I crapped my pants laughing.

Or is that chocolate? No….no, it’s crap.

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5 linsey November 17, 2010

you forgot the lemongrass chocolate … mmmmmmmmmm hehe … yeah I know the line was a killer, and the place was so packed you could barely squeeze past the people to see what was on offer … but I enjoyed it!

Irony though, all the chocolate that me and Ant bought there … havent touched it yet …. but its ready and waiting for that special moment ….

general plea to the big wide world … would someone please make an orange flavoured chocolate with a strong clean orange taste … i still havent found one yet – most of them either taste totally synthetic or the orange is bland as hell (terrys chocolate orange is a prime example)

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6 linsey November 17, 2010

bugger, should have read more carefully – u did mention the lemongrass … lol

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7 Anthony November 17, 2010

Been there done that, totally agreed … but hey Katie at least you met Torres and got a photo with him.

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8 Anthony November 17, 2010

You know I love you! NEVER AGAIN …. (unless my wife is really really really insistent).

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9 Don November 24, 2010

They should have paired those chocolates with lots of barrel aged stouts and porters. That would have put people in better moods! Beer is the answer to every question…Whiskey too.

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10 Katie Pizzuto November 27, 2010

You ain’t kidding! That would have “turned my frown upside down” for sure. They had one rum represented (Don Q) and a dessert wine but that was it.

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