"We talk just like lions, but we sacrifice like lambs…"

by Katie Pizzuto on January 9, 2009

in Blogs,Social Media

johnnycashI am many things. Among those “things” are being a mother and being a sharp-witted wiseass. I’m not alone, either. The blogosphere is littered with us. But what I’ve learned from cyberspace is that it’s REALLY difficult to convey sarcasm and irony on a computer screen when there is no inflection in your voice, no wink in your eye, no quote marks with your fingers. One misguided reader can seriously fuck things up for you and your failed attempts at dark humor.

There have been moments where, as a mom, I’ve stared down my son, wondering just how many marks I’d leave if I put him through a wall—replastering and repainting would’ve been well worth it. Hell, I’ve got a retired DYFS counselor for a neighbor and even HE laughs at my plights. So when a girlfriend calls wondering if I’ve got a secret stash of valium or if it’s poor parenting to want to duct tape your kids to a spinning ceiling fan, I relate—I don’t call the cops on her. But that’s just me.

Apparently, we’ve gotta watch what we say online because not everyone “gets” our humor…and that includes folks on Twitter. When an aggravated mom asked if it was OK to smother her unrelenting daughter, I laughed at both the frustration and the love. I GOT it. But others didn’t get it, tracked down her location, and called the cops. Concerned samaritans? I guess. Overreacting dolts? More likely. After proving to the fuzz that her kids were happily tucked in bed, she posted about the experience and the muzzle that it has now put on her:

“So lesson learned ladies. Don’t do any venting in public. Don’t network. Don’t show anything LESS than perfect bliss and 400 tweets about contests and fucking blow it out your ass nothing. Because someone, somewhere might call the police on you and you’ll be sitting there in your pajamas watching a cop waste his fucking time, and know it.”

What does all this have to do with food or wine? Nothing. If you want someone who always stays on topic go read Fermentation or something. But I will say this, because I can’t do perfect bliss, and I don’t wear pajamas: For the record, I am NOT a homicidal maniac…but I can’t say that I haven’t wanted to tar and feather Charlie Trotter for removing foie gras from his menu, flog Robert Parker for using the term “fruit bomb” redundantly, whip Bob Tuschman for cancelling “Molto Mario” and stone Rocco DiSpirito for stepping foot outside the kitchen. For those who have one hand on the receiver and the other poised at 9-1-1 on your speed dial, I pinky swear that I am winking at you right now—really.

{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Linsey January 9, 2009

this has reminded me of something!

i was in a rather nice US pizza restaurant the other day – and there was a mother with her young son and other family there ;o)

during the meal the mother allowed the young son to sniff the glass of wine, comments of different sort of fruits he could smell can from the glass – i was actually impressed because when i sniff wine i just think yuck

i did notice however that behind them and only probably seen by me, another adult look very unhappily at this mother teaching her son to actually appreciate the wine, there was a real hmmmmmmm disapproval on his face

i wondered at the time would he have preferred that she instead allowed him to grow up as a young man who uses wine to get as pissed as quickly as possible

sometimes saying or doing the ‘wrong’ thing or being taken the ‘wrong’ way by some isnt that bad – just as long as the pain in the arse do-gooders get a life and worry about the bigger picture and not the small things


2 Katie Pizzuto January 9, 2009

Hmmm, Linsey….that’s one cool mom, IMHO…I’d like to meet her 😉

I had no idea that someone was staring me down, but I actually wish I had known, because it would have been fun to tell him my kid just got out of rehab, so he’s only allowed to smell the wine!

Thanks for the great comment!


3 Ron Washam, HMW January 9, 2009

I can name a lot of wines that might get you arrested for child endangerment if you let your kid sniff them. I check the label first, then I insult the parent.


4 Jackson January 10, 2009

Love the pic of Johnny . . . I used to have it posted in my office (you know what happened, of course). I’m thinking the wine equivalent of Johnny is a big ole ridge zin from the ATP, when it’s still young and briary. Carry on.


5 Coupe 60 January 10, 2009

Slightly off topic…but when you say you don’t wear pajamas…are you sleeping Nekid? 🙂


6 Katie Pizzuto January 12, 2009

@Jackson…yeah, I used to have it as my screensaver…we’re pretty relaxed at the office, so no one cared, but I eventually got bored and changed it!

@Coupe…that’s between me and the sheets, mister! 😉


7 Jackson January 12, 2009
8 doris January 12, 2009

Just read your blog. I love when you really get “into” to your head.


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