"Honesty born in me, Heresy…"

by Katie Pizzuto on March 29, 2010

in beer

Internal Dialogue 1: I want beer.

Internal Dialogue 2: So go get some beer. Leave me out of this, I’m eating chips.

ID1: But I want good beer. That means driving…20 minutes of it. They’ll never go for that.

ID2: So sneak out.

ID1: With mom and dad here, too?

ID2: Fuck me! I’m never going to be able to eat in peace, am I? Call it a family outing, then. Promise the kid some sassafras and the husband some…some…I dunno, some cigarettes?

Me: Hey guys, let’s go get some beer when mom and dad get ready to go, OK?

Mom: You want us to go?

Me: No, no…whenever you go is fine.

Mom: Because if you want us to go…

Me: No, mom, really. I want you to stay.

Dad: OK, we’ll stay, but only if you have some beer.

ID1: Salt in the wound, Dad. I see…Payback’s a bitch…

Hub: What, you suddenly need hand holding to go buy beer?

Me: Well, I wanted to go to that place in Kinnelon, cuz they have a good selection.

Hub: Kinnelon?! We have like 5 liquor stores within a 3-mile radius. You can’t just go to one of those?

Me: We can get the kid some sassafras or cream soda…

Kid: Yeah, Dad, let’s go!!

Hub: OK, but we’ve gotta budget ourselves, OK? You know you’ll wind up buying wine while you’re there, too.

Me: No, no, no, just some beer.

Kid: And sassafras.

IN THE STORE:

ID1: Ooooh, Cantillon. Ok, control yourself. Get the $13 bottle, not the $25 bottle.

ID2: This should be good to watch…

ID1: And Dragon’s Milk…get one of those. Oh, and, and, and, the Dogfish Red & White…that looks awesome. I wish they had the Heresy I’ve been wanting to try.

ID2: Wine, don’t forget the wine…gotta budget.

ID1: OK, heading over to the wine, let’s just go past this cool looking kiosk of stuff.

Kid: Mom, I can’t find the soda!

Me: Ask that kind-looking gentleman with the nametag, sweetie.

ID1: Holy mother of Zeus, they’ve got the Heresy four-pack!

ID2: Budget, Katie, budget…

Husband: Geez, Kate. We’ve been here, what, five minutes? You’ve already got like 6 bottles in the cart…big ones! No more, OK? Cuz I know you’re heading for the wine.

Me: OK, you’re right.

ID1: If he doesn’t see the Heresy go in the cart, maybe he won’t notice at the register.

ID2: Right. Cuz a four-pack looks just like one of those big 330ml bottles. Uh huh.

ID1: Fuck you and your sarcasm. (puts the Heresy back on the shelf)

TWENTY MINUTES LATER:

Hub: Not bad…I’m proud of you. What’d you spend, like a hundred bucks?

Me: Yeah, about that…plus tax.

Kid: This place sucks. I didn’t even get to buy any sassafras. All they had was stupid Pepsi and Coke and stuff. You promised me sassafras, Mom!

Me: No, I didn’t promise. I said we’d try to get some for you…there’s a difference.

Kid: Is that like the difference between you telling Dad you thought you were done getting beer, and then you going back for that Heresy stuff?

ID1: Why, exactly, did you teach him how to speak?!

{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Elle March 29, 2010

You need to get your multiple internal dialogues drunk so they’ll shut up and let you blow the budget in peace.

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2 Don March 29, 2010

Wow, I thought I was the only one that went through this internal dialog to justify beer or whiskey purchase.

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3 Katie Pizzuto March 29, 2010

It’s exhausting, what goes on in my head. And I’m no better in a bookstore. Next time, I’m tying the kid to the roof rack and leaving him there while I shop 🙂

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4 Linsey March 29, 2010

Even better when you know the voices and you can hear the conversation in your head as you read it.

Made me laugh … somehow would have thought the kid would have commented much more though 😉

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5 Galen Struwe March 30, 2010

You’re deranged…in that good way.

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6 Katie Pizzuto March 30, 2010

@Linsey…sometimes it just takes one good “evil eye” look to shut him up, LOL.

@Galen, in the immortal words of the Melissa Etheridge song, “Yes I Am” 🙂

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7 Linsey March 30, 2010

‘evil eye’ lol – wonder if that will work with Ant

🙂

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8 Jim April 5, 2010

Usually it goes like this for me:

ID1, 2 and Inner Child: HERESY!! HERESEEEEYYYY! HERRRRRRREEEEEEESSSSEEEYYYYY!

I love that stuff. Glad you indulged the voices in your head.

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9 Katie Pizzuto April 5, 2010

Dude, LOVED the Heresy. Still 2 bottles left, but not for very long. But I’ve now learned it’s available at shops much closer than the one in Kinnelon, which makes it even a more dangerous proposition 🙂

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10 Jim April 5, 2010

Details, Katie, Details. And what’s in Kinnelon? I know about Boonton, but Kinnelon?

Share your secrets, woman!!!

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11 Katie Pizzuto April 5, 2010

Ugh, I feel like a moron…I meant Boonton, not Kinnelon. Not that it’ll matter to half my readers from other corners of the globe, but to the Jersey folks, it does, LOL! BUT!!!!! I know for a fact that ShopRite liquors in Oakland carries it (Heresy)….but best secret? Their prices are WAYYYY better in most cases, for example Corsendonk’s abbey brown ale was under $10….9 if memory serves right! I never would’ve thought it, but they had stuff like Dogfish’s Red & White, a bunch of Weyerbacher stuff, etc. Plus they’ve got a small selection of singles to “make your own 6-pack”. It’s not much, but cheaper than Crown.

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12 Jim April 5, 2010

I’m just glad I’m not missing out on an awesome beer store in Kinnelon. You’re the second person to tell me about Shop Rite in Oakland – guess I need to take a peek.

And to keep these comments interesting to folks outside the area, let’s talk about our property taxes and the recent school budget reductions…

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13 Katie Pizzuto April 5, 2010

LOL, at the register, the manager said (as he scanned the Corsendonk) “This is great stuff. I keep forgetting to raise the price on this.” LMAO. I was like, “No!! Then I’d have to stop coming in here!”

Do NOT get me started on taxes and school budget cuts…

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