"We all know that crap is king…"

by Katie Pizzuto on January 22, 2010

in Uncategorized

I have come to the sad but enlightening conclusion that I can get all of the news I ever need from Twitter. Sure I’m a fan of the Sunday Times, but it’s really too fucking heavy to carry when you’ve got a balancing act of groceries in your arms. Channels like CNN can be great too, but who’s got the time when shows like Celebrity Rehab and That Heavy Metal Show are begging to be called up from the DVR list? The more I frequent Twitter the more I realize that you find out anything…truly, anything…that you need to know, as well as plenty of shit you didn’t even know you wanted to know, and even more shit you seriously don’t wanna know at all but are suddenly hit with the awareness of. For instance, in the course of only 1 hour I learned the following:

As per @meredithmo, Monsanto Chief regrets not commenting in Food Inc.

Do you do yoga? According to @newjerseylife, your downward-facing dog may be saving your life

@SudsyMaggie is “Dressed up” in khackis today. She feels like a tool. Looks forward to being reunited with her jeans later today

According to @PRBWine, who has tasted all the Bordeaux 2008s for a second time from barrel, it continues to be a remarkable vintage

The @UnknownChef and I were both yawning with boredom at the NY Times proclaiming: Music Industry Counts the Cost of Piracy

@EssexEating and @graphic_foodie both prefer the shape of rigatoni pasta

@dlayphoto retweeted to let us know that a former Cleveland Playboy Playmate was found dead from a drug overdose

@DJLitten warns that Burger Kings in Miami and New York will soon start selling beer (now catering to all your needs, not just for coronary disease, diabetes and obesity but cirrhosis and hypertension as well)

And lastly, we don’t need weathermen anymore because @bradinator can tell you that it’s a beautiful day in Okanagan, @oxfordfalls says it’s 52 and cloudy in Mississippi, @earthydelights is freezing his ass off in central Michigan, @Olivier1uk alerts me that it’s pissing down with rain in England, @NataliesCuisine pisses everyone off by mentioning that it’s 65 and sunny in Dallas, but @WoodwardCanyon and @thescorpiowoman make you feel better by letting you know that it’s foggy and cold in Walla Walla and a numbing 22 degrees in Montreal. Australia would no doubt have chimed in but they are all sleeping at this hour.

Want a recipe for snickerdoodles? No worries. Need a good late-night wine bar in Tribeca? Just ask. Did you miss the Jersey Shore finale? Fear not! Search the hashtag #jerseyshore and hundreds of tweets will give you the 411. If you follow and are followed by enough people, you can get the answer to just about anything, and it won’t be any more or less accurate, factual or unbiased than Fox News Network or British tabloids. Hell, I’ve conducted surveys on whether people prefer candy apples or caramel apples, puffy or crunchy Cheetos, and milk or dark chocolate, and gotten a widespread data sampling within seconds. It’s like the Encyclopedia Britannica, Wikipedia, NY Public Library, Zagat Guide, Rolling Stone Magazine, Gallup Poll, Gourmet Magazine, NASDAQ, Saturday Night Live and Nightly News all rolled into one, and it’s as addictive as Sriracha and crack. And don’t think for one moment that mobility will inhibit you in any way. There are a boatload of phone apps to make sure the drip in your direct-line IV to Twitter never stops. All that, and we can’t cure cancer…amazing. On that note, I’m now going to go cancel all my magazine subscriptions, discontinue my cable service and build a port-a-potty next to my computer so my Twitter and I are never far.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Jim January 22, 2010

Nice observation, but you’ve illustrated the main point that keeps me from truly enjoying Twitter – it’s exhausting!! So many bits of info to put together, so many TinyURL’s to click, so many people talking at the same time. Now I need a nap. Give me the USA Today iPhone app any day when I want superficial news.

Oh, and don’t forget to follow us on Twitter @Beerandwhiskey

No rest for the wicked 😉

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2 castello January 23, 2010

That is TMI! I can barely get through my daily newspaper without a nap. How can you nap if your getting twitter tweeted all day?

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3 Katie Pizzuto January 25, 2010

@Jim….any chance for self promotion!

@Ed….I’m still young enough that getting my twitter tweeted all day doesn’t tire me out. As for naps, can’t do ’em. I’ve tried, but something in my body’s clock rebels because it senses daylight.

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4 Don January 25, 2010

Katie, You would not do well in Alaska! You would sleep for 6 months and stay awake for 6 months! As for getting your Twitter Tweeted all day, WOW…I guess I don’t know what to say about that!

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5 Coupe 60 January 25, 2010

I considered getting a twitter account and only tweeting when I took a dump…people could chart my regularity or lack there of…

In all honesty it would be more interesting than most of the other crap (pun intended) that is out there…

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6 Katie Pizzuto January 25, 2010

@Don….dude, I suffer from insomnia as it is….I’d go INSANE in Alaska.

@Lou…I’m pretty sure folks have already beat you to that idea 🙂 I really can’t complain about Twitter cuz the tweeps I follow don’t post crap, which is why I keep following.

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7 Mike Dunne February 8, 2010

All the benefits of Twitter you suggest actually are avaialable on Google, without the white noise or the wasted time in reading the hopefully helpful but nonetheless irrelevant.

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